It is my first thought that any good from God will come by a hard command.
I expect a great struggle, imagine a difficulty so overwhelming, it seems futile for me to hope in actually receiving God's promises. They are merely recorded for sight sake. I read them, repeat them and this is as deep as I allow God's truth to prevail.
There are reasons for this - my reasoning and deductions.

I use the very scriptures meant for correction and growth and pervert them to suit my tones of unbelief and fear.
It goes like this:
"How can I have peace when I have not been righteous?"
"To whom much is given much is required, so I must bear this heavy load and if I sink beneath it, well then, I must"
"I am sick, I have been all year. Some people don't get healed."

There are other voices I hear, some mocking, " You won't get better, this is your portion. See? You've been sick a whole year, you don't handle stress, you're just more weak than others. You need to sleep more. You need to stop stressing"

And as the pile of disgusting unbelief looms over me, fear finds its way to my mind and I'm distraught for I cannot muster up any ability to believe God.

But that's my problem?  Unable to feel any faith?

Who has any ability to believe unless God provide it?  Does anything come from me, really?
What about righteousness? Is not anything I do well, yet as filth to God?  Who is truly good, but God himself?
My ability to believe.  So, if I feel, I have none?
Does God balk wide- eyed at my failings?
I do not believe so.
Perhaps He wants me to realize it.
Perhaps, I can confess my inability and He can show me once again how to speak His words.

I do not own any faith apart from what God has deposited in me. Any righteousness I have is His gift, among many.
So, back to my beginning, where my first inclinations lead me astray. And where I have hemmed an awful casing of self righteous condemnation, God blows away my contrived lines, perceptions  and surprises me with with mercy. Unwarranted...

How unlike me, He is. Unlike any man.
He is full of compassion and mercy, He delights in coming through for me, because I ask Him. He is a healer so I claim healing, everyday, no matter how I feel. Healing is his portion for me, no matter what. As His child, the one for whom he was stricken, by His stripes healed. Unwarranted...

He has forgiven me, he has healed me. It has been a new year, no sickness, and where the doctors cannot explain, I sit down to try...

It is not a matter of logic, realism. It is a matter of speaking accurately, God's words. As feelings protest and past experiences incline us to hold back in fear, God knows and provides his own thoughts and words; to use in place of our own.
Take Him at His word and make your mind listen as you speak His words; in prayer, in praise, in tears, in distress, in heartache, until drowning your own unbelieving, fearful sounds, you will be pulled out of the dark into His glorious light.


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